Silent Ugly Crying

I’m a pro at silent crying.

Sitting in traffic, in the bathroom stall at work or in target, in bed next to someone, collapsed in the shower, or at the gym.

I cried during my yoga class last night.

Lights were off and I ugly cried quietly on my mat.

I also cried yesterday at work just sitting at my desk and not caring who saw me.

I’m trying to stay alive over here. The least of my problems is who may see my mascara smearing.

I just get so fucking angry at my mind and my body and my whole freaking self. Fuck it all.

This is endless. Relentless.

It doesn’t matter what anyone says. They can tell me I’m like Mother Teresa and I will still hate myself and cry myself to sleep.

I can’t cry at “normal” times.

I don’t feel emotions like “normal” people do.

Normal people don’t want to destroy their bodies to match the ugliness that is inside.

People keep asking me if i’m cold. But I’m just making my sweater as tight as i can so maybe I won't explode.