Words

They say women speak over 20,000 words in a day.

I have no doubt that I hit that mark within hours of waking up somedays.

I'll talk to anyone and everyone about literally, anything.

That's why I was a good journalist.

I could pull the story out from anyone.

I’ve always relied on words to be there for me when I felt most alone.

On of my suicide notes had words in a poetic form, and another had words pulled together to form good bye letters.

I used words in junior high when I wrote to the teacher who made me feel like trash that I don't understand why she had to be so mean and that it made me want to die.

I trusted words to transport me to another world when I read nearly every book in my high school library.

I relied on words when I started to talk about my brain and why we need to talk about what is going on. Words from others showed me just how important my own words were to this world.

I turned to words in college when it was figured out that dyslexia was to blame for my troubles in school and written tests were better than multiple choice for me. If it wasn’t for those words, I wouldn't have been able to get my degree.

I relied on kind, meaningful words to build up the minds and confidence of the children at the daycare in college.  

Words have been my friend.

But, words have abandoned at time when I need them most.

When I truly need the most help with words, they are running around so fast I cannot get them together to help me.

It’s like being in a small room where hundreds of TV’s are on loud and I am trying to listen to just one.

“What’s wrong?”

“I dont know.”

That’s not a lie or just a line to keep the masses guessing.

All the words have left me.

I cannot possibly explain what is going on. I am drowning in thoughts, emotions, colors, sounds, and words.

This is where something as small as an uncomfortable shirt can set off a full blown panic attack.

Sensory overload.

This where the air around me get heavier and the words in my head continue to pull me under.

I am drowning in my own words and all I’ve said is “I don’t know.”

I don’t know what I need and I don’t know what to do.

I want to explain, but words have failed me.